To Die For Her -------------- -August 2009 -Tyson B. Troxel They say in life, you have exactly 2 great loves. or, at least that's what they say in "Sex and the city". Looking back onto my life, recently, I had to stop, and think about it. I don't know if that's a correct enough statement. 2, just seems like a small number. If, however, we're talking about "GREAT" loves, then, I guess it seems a little high. We had a guest pastor in church, this morning, who spoke about this. Basically, what I heard, was that, God, may be placing that GREAT love into our lives, BUT, if we don't go out and do the footwork, like asking a girl out, we'll never meet her. I guess my GREAT love will never be mine. I'm not a real macho kinda guy, when it comes to approaching women. I'm more secure in my own little box, doing my thing. If my GREAT love could bump into me, like fate, that would be AWESOME! Like, let's say, if I'm at my coffee shop, ordering my tea, and the cashier slips me her number, smiles, and rubs my hand. Or, if when I turn around, and my love, accidently bumps into me, and spills her coffee all over me, and then smiles, apologizes, and kisses me. Even better, I turn around, and a ray of heavenly light shines through the door, as my GREAT love walks in, the wind gently blowing her hair, and she walks right up to me, and hands me a rose, gently takes my hand, and says God sent her to me. And then, we walk out the door, and walk off into the sunset. No, none of that's gonna happen, BUT it would be pretty AWESOME!! Anyways...I thought about my 2 great loves, and had to break the ladies in my life, into 2 catagories. Pre-30, and post-30. The "Young Lust" and the "Post-Marriage". Then, i throw in the marriage. it kinda broke things up, and took me off the market for 7 years. So, thinking about it...here goes. "Young Lust' ------------ My 1st girlfriend. My 1st love. Sherri. We met at bible camp, and I pursued her past the summer. She was a farm girl. It lasted through christmas, but not past January. All in all, 6 months. Pretty good, for my 1st time out. Then there was Amanda "Hug-Alot'. We also met at Bible camp, and I pusued her, as I went off to my 1st year of college, in Mason City. Her dad HATED me!! We were together for about 3 months. I put ALOT of miles on my car, just to be with her. did I say, her dad HATED me! Lastly, came Lisa. We met in college (1st year) and through some VERY strange encounters/adventures, dated each other. i can say neither one of us were faithfull to each other, BUT setting her obsession over me aside, and my need for romance, we hooked it up, until the end of our 1st year of school. After that, we were on again/off again for the next 2 years. It was twisted, strange, and wrong in more ways than 1. Yes, there were other girls, BUT those 3 make the top of my "young lust" list. I guess at that stage of my life, I had 3 GREAT loves. Or, more accuratly, 3 GREAT lusts. The Marriage Years ------------------- Living in Las Vegas, at the age of 25, I met, and fell in love with a woman named Mary, who was 10 years my senior. My 1st taste, at love with an older woman. Call it lust, BUT after a month of dating, I asked her to marry me. We got married shortly there after. We lived for a short time, in Las Vegas, and then I moved her home, back to Iowa, where the trouble began. I guess a big city girl, just can't handle a small pond. So, after 7 long years of love, she threw me out, and split. That's all folks. Divorce central That was my 1st GREAT love. Post Marrriage Years -------------------- So, here I am, 2 1/2 years divorced, and I've had 2 BIG loves. I can't honestly say either was GREAT, or maybe I can.
So, then, came the “After-Marriage” loves, of my life. Not too hard to remember these 2 ladies. I can count them on 2 fingers. One. Two. Trucker girl, and Mickey Mouse.
Shortly after the seperation of my marriage, I met up with Missy. I took one look at her, and all of her tattoo’s, and low cut shirt, and I was in love! Then I found out she drove semi, and broke horses for fun. Hell, she even owned a few horses. SOLD!!
She took me up to a quiet little town, and tried to break me, and calm me. Like, all wild horses, a few can’t be broken. Not if they aren’t ready, anyways. So, she had to let me go. Not before I put up a fight though. I still think fondly of her, and her tattoo’s, and her big black semi.
Almost 9 months later, maybe less, I found Mickey Mouse. Ms. Julie. A sweet older lady, (o.k. not that much older than me) and I chased her all the way to the capital. We hooked it up, moved it on in together, and before the dust could settle, she tossed me back home.
Our love story didn’t end there though. About 6 months later, through the death of a man who is VERY dear to me, Julie and I came back together, only to separate less than 2 weeks later. To her credit, (and she gets it all) she had more love than I could know what to do with. I asked for the moon, and she gave me a maybe. I asked for swiss cheese, and she gave me a diet Mt. Dew.
All in all, what have I learned? Not much, really. Given the chance to love again, I’d do it in a New York second.. I am a passionate person, with a HUGE heart. Problem is, I don’t know how to properly treat love. It’s a drug to me, and I want more, more, more.
Not that being single right now, isn’t easy, or hard, it just isn’t. I watch movies like, “She’s Having A Baby”, and I cry. I want that kind of love. I want a baby. I want my happily ever after.
I read sappy romance books, and I want some sap, in my life.
I watch TV shows, like “Sex and The City”, and well…..
I know this much.
When God finally does bless me with the woman of HIS choosing, I will DIE for her! I will fight for her, I will love for her, I will live for her, and……
(This one is for my pastor, because I know he’s reading this)
I will treat her like my sister!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Utah
Utah
----
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
The sun was just coming up over the mountains. It was July. Hot,
but cool this morning. This was a good month to be alive. He had
achieved a milestone. His first vacation, sober.
Taking a sip of hot coffee, and taking a drag from his cigarette,
Robert, picked up his camera. Not his expensive Nikon, his cheapie.
the one he got at a garage sale, for $2, 2 years ago. He took the
lens cap off, and stared off towards the 1st red. of the top of the
summit. If he was lucky, he'd be there by late morning. He snapped
a few pictures.
Takig one last sip of his now cold coffee, he dumped the rest onto
the ground, placed his mug in his backpack, and finished his 3rd
cigarette, since he woke up. It was hard to imagine it was only
5:30am. It was hard to sleep, when the sun came up, around 5am.
Such is life. Back home, he could sleep safely until 9am. This was
vacation, however. No time to sleep in. He could do that when he
got old. He was a young 45.
----
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
The sun was just coming up over the mountains. It was July. Hot,
but cool this morning. This was a good month to be alive. He had
achieved a milestone. His first vacation, sober.
Taking a sip of hot coffee, and taking a drag from his cigarette,
Robert, picked up his camera. Not his expensive Nikon, his cheapie.
the one he got at a garage sale, for $2, 2 years ago. He took the
lens cap off, and stared off towards the 1st red. of the top of the
summit. If he was lucky, he'd be there by late morning. He snapped
a few pictures.
Takig one last sip of his now cold coffee, he dumped the rest onto
the ground, placed his mug in his backpack, and finished his 3rd
cigarette, since he woke up. It was hard to imagine it was only
5:30am. It was hard to sleep, when the sun came up, around 5am.
Such is life. Back home, he could sleep safely until 9am. This was
vacation, however. No time to sleep in. He could do that when he
got old. He was a young 45.
High Stakes
High Stakes
------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
1
-
She warned him, if he walked out the door, they were through. His
friend assured him, this was a sure thing. An easy bet. A winning
hand. How many times had he played this game? How many times had he
won? The money in the off shore accounts alone, was more than 50
million. His private bank accounts were worth a million or more.
Even his stocks looked pretty healthy. Of course, his loving wife
didn't know about any of this. Not, until this afternoon anyway.
He worked in an office, across town, and worked late, most nights.
She was a cashier at the Wiggly Wiggly. It just happened, that she
was off at noon today. He wasn't due home until 6pm, at the
earliest. They'd been fighting lately, and he never answered her
questions regarding money. When they were 1st married, they had lots
of it. Now, after 15 years of marriage, they had alot less.
------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
1
-
She warned him, if he walked out the door, they were through. His
friend assured him, this was a sure thing. An easy bet. A winning
hand. How many times had he played this game? How many times had he
won? The money in the off shore accounts alone, was more than 50
million. His private bank accounts were worth a million or more.
Even his stocks looked pretty healthy. Of course, his loving wife
didn't know about any of this. Not, until this afternoon anyway.
He worked in an office, across town, and worked late, most nights.
She was a cashier at the Wiggly Wiggly. It just happened, that she
was off at noon today. He wasn't due home until 6pm, at the
earliest. They'd been fighting lately, and he never answered her
questions regarding money. When they were 1st married, they had lots
of it. Now, after 15 years of marriage, they had alot less.
Summer San Jose
Summer, San Jose
----------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
The weather is scorching hot, here.
Merenguie music fills the air.
Steel drums beat their hypnotic pulse.
Naked women run and dance on the beach.
Rum and coladas are plentifull.
Good cigars come cheap, here.
A dime chases my cares away.
Not my troubled thoughts.
Nor, ny sleepless nights.
How long has it been, my dear?
A year,
Maybe two.
Since we last held each other.
In my dreams,
Maybe yours.
Have we figured out who's dead yet?
Who's at the bottom of the ocean??
How's our son?
I've changed, in that time.
My hair is long,
I sport a full beard now.
I only wear white pants, and a white cuban hat.
Noone dares come near me.
I am the crazy man.
How are you?
What change have you made?
What of your lover?
Every morning, I go for a walk into the ocean.
I go looking for you.
I listen for your song.
Some days I hear you.
Most days I don't.
I still hold your picture close.
And pray you'll come back to me.
Pray, you'll come to me.
Here, in San Jose.
Mid-mornings, I sit in our cafe.
I sip my coffee,
And wile away the time.
Your coffee gets colder by the day.
I like the idea,
of us sitting in this cafe.
How long ago was that?
Or, did it ever happen?
Maybe just a dream.
I must be getting on now.
I like the idea,
but it gets colder by the day.
You already got on.
You already left.
Or, did I?
Tell me what I'm to do?
Should I be with you?
Tell me what I'm to do?
Summer here is the hottest,
and the coldest.
Without you,
I am dead.
Who did what?
Who said what?
Was it me?
Was it you?
I'm going crazy now.
Every day that passes,
I go more insane.
Every walk into the ocean,
I go deeper.
I never come out of the depths,
But for a time.
Your song draws me closer.
Deeper and deeper.
Under, and under.
I can't hold on much longer, here.
I just want to die.
I see us naked in bed.
Making love.
I see us on the beach,
passionatly kissing.
I dream of you, more and more.
Your song is deafining.
I'm going insane.
I've tried to escape,
But it's your love
That drags me back.
Holds me prisoner here.
Your insanity binds me tightly.
I can't run fast enough.
You lure me back.
I'm sinking.
More and more.
Most days I hate you.
Other days I want you.
I need you.
How insane is that?
You did this.
Or, did I?
Who came here 1st?
Who died,
And where?
The merenguie music is so hypnotic.
The steel drums beat faster and faster.
it's pure madness.
The heat is a killer.
The naked women drive me mad.
Summer,
San Jose,
I like the idea.
Of us, here.
Don't leave me.
Never stop singing.
Keep drawing me deeper.
I want to stay insane,
If only,
I can never leave here.
I like the idea.
Summer,
San Jose.
***This is a continuing saga. If you want to read the previous
entries, drop me a line. I hope to have the complete saga on my
writers website soon.
I hope you've enjoyed the insane ride so far. Who knows what'll
happen next, and when?
Until then,
-Tyson B. Troxel
----------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
The weather is scorching hot, here.
Merenguie music fills the air.
Steel drums beat their hypnotic pulse.
Naked women run and dance on the beach.
Rum and coladas are plentifull.
Good cigars come cheap, here.
A dime chases my cares away.
Not my troubled thoughts.
Nor, ny sleepless nights.
How long has it been, my dear?
A year,
Maybe two.
Since we last held each other.
In my dreams,
Maybe yours.
Have we figured out who's dead yet?
Who's at the bottom of the ocean??
How's our son?
I've changed, in that time.
My hair is long,
I sport a full beard now.
I only wear white pants, and a white cuban hat.
Noone dares come near me.
I am the crazy man.
How are you?
What change have you made?
What of your lover?
Every morning, I go for a walk into the ocean.
I go looking for you.
I listen for your song.
Some days I hear you.
Most days I don't.
I still hold your picture close.
And pray you'll come back to me.
Pray, you'll come to me.
Here, in San Jose.
Mid-mornings, I sit in our cafe.
I sip my coffee,
And wile away the time.
Your coffee gets colder by the day.
I like the idea,
of us sitting in this cafe.
How long ago was that?
Or, did it ever happen?
Maybe just a dream.
I must be getting on now.
I like the idea,
but it gets colder by the day.
You already got on.
You already left.
Or, did I?
Tell me what I'm to do?
Should I be with you?
Tell me what I'm to do?
Summer here is the hottest,
and the coldest.
Without you,
I am dead.
Who did what?
Who said what?
Was it me?
Was it you?
I'm going crazy now.
Every day that passes,
I go more insane.
Every walk into the ocean,
I go deeper.
I never come out of the depths,
But for a time.
Your song draws me closer.
Deeper and deeper.
Under, and under.
I can't hold on much longer, here.
I just want to die.
I see us naked in bed.
Making love.
I see us on the beach,
passionatly kissing.
I dream of you, more and more.
Your song is deafining.
I'm going insane.
I've tried to escape,
But it's your love
That drags me back.
Holds me prisoner here.
Your insanity binds me tightly.
I can't run fast enough.
You lure me back.
I'm sinking.
More and more.
Most days I hate you.
Other days I want you.
I need you.
How insane is that?
You did this.
Or, did I?
Who came here 1st?
Who died,
And where?
The merenguie music is so hypnotic.
The steel drums beat faster and faster.
it's pure madness.
The heat is a killer.
The naked women drive me mad.
Summer,
San Jose,
I like the idea.
Of us, here.
Don't leave me.
Never stop singing.
Keep drawing me deeper.
I want to stay insane,
If only,
I can never leave here.
I like the idea.
Summer,
San Jose.
***This is a continuing saga. If you want to read the previous
entries, drop me a line. I hope to have the complete saga on my
writers website soon.
I hope you've enjoyed the insane ride so far. Who knows what'll
happen next, and when?
Until then,
-Tyson B. Troxel
Letter to her
Letter To Her
-------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
Where were we,
When we first met?
Who loved who 1st?
Did you love me, as much,
As I loved you/
Did your heart,
Beat as fast as mine?
Does it even matter now?
You left me.
Didn't you?
And who proposed 1st?
Who wanted whom the most?
Who told the 1st lie?
Who lied about their age?
Whose sad song was sadder?
Who kissed whom?
Who's lyng eye told the biggest lie?
Who was the bigger fan?
i gotta have you.
I'm so in love.
Whatever!
And who said "I Do" 1st?
Who married whom?
Were we really in love?
Oh you were so in love.
Who said it 1st?
Who did it 1st?
Who made the 2am phone call for help?
Who told who, to "DIE!"
Was it love?
NEVER!
Who chased who?
Who went to the end of the earth for who?
Who's sledgehammer was in te closet?
Who maxed out the credit cards?
Who couldn't drive?
Who bought the convertible?
And, you cheated..
And you didn't love me,
And I slept with a knife under my pillow.
And a bottle of whiskey by my side.
I was your Romeo
You were my ugly step-sister.
But, your friends,
Were all Cinderella's.
We traveled the world.
I bought you all kinds of fancy things.
You gave me lots of money.
Beer became my lover.
You bought a gun.
The fights were typical.
Cold suppers were normal.
I hated you.
You had famous friends,
I had too many lovers.
I ducked the flying bottles.
You cried hysterically.
I never came home.
You found a new life.
All my friends became yours.
I did a stint in jail.
You erased me from your life.
I came home to a empty house.
And a broken whiskey bottle.
I want you to know 2 things.
Only two.
Maybe three.
I hate you!
I love you!
I'm clean and sober now!
I go to church now!
I have a good life now.
I have good friends now.
I have a life worth living now.
Do you??
I hope you think of me
And know I think of you.
If we could do it all again,
I'd laugh, and curse,
"Yah, Right!"
You aren't worth re-visiting.
I wish you well.
I really do.
I hope you have a good life.
I hope you're happy.
I know I finnally am!
Just forget about me!
If sometime we cross paths,
In the future,
I'll be nice,
I'll smile,
I'll wish you well,
I'll let you have your say,
I'll tell you how well I am,
And then,
I'll give you the finger,
And kick you out of town.
Outta my life
Forever!!
Serously,
I don't really hate you.
Not much, anyways!
I still love you.
Like I love whiskey.
I just don't
Have time for your nightmares anymore.
I wish you well,
I hope you meet your soul mate.
I hope you get all you deserve.
As for me....
I still hate you!
One last thing, darling,
You could've given me one last shot.
One last thrill.
We could've talked it out.
We could've worked it out.
i didn't mean to do you so wrong.
You were my angel.
My princess.
I worshipped you.
When I had time.
But, the beer got in the way.
I'm ok today.
I'm doing good today.
I have a good life today.
I am well loved.
I am sober and clean.
I give my all, to God.
I volunteer all my time.
And
I still think of you,
And,
Darling,
I still love you.
Be well,
My sweet,
My beautiful,
Angel,
Juliet,
Cinderella.
And,
Don't think of me.
Get on with your life.
I have!
I still love you.
-Romeo
-------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
Where were we,
When we first met?
Who loved who 1st?
Did you love me, as much,
As I loved you/
Did your heart,
Beat as fast as mine?
Does it even matter now?
You left me.
Didn't you?
And who proposed 1st?
Who wanted whom the most?
Who told the 1st lie?
Who lied about their age?
Whose sad song was sadder?
Who kissed whom?
Who's lyng eye told the biggest lie?
Who was the bigger fan?
i gotta have you.
I'm so in love.
Whatever!
And who said "I Do" 1st?
Who married whom?
Were we really in love?
Oh you were so in love.
Who said it 1st?
Who did it 1st?
Who made the 2am phone call for help?
Who told who, to "DIE!"
Was it love?
NEVER!
Who chased who?
Who went to the end of the earth for who?
Who's sledgehammer was in te closet?
Who maxed out the credit cards?
Who couldn't drive?
Who bought the convertible?
And, you cheated..
And you didn't love me,
And I slept with a knife under my pillow.
And a bottle of whiskey by my side.
I was your Romeo
You were my ugly step-sister.
But, your friends,
Were all Cinderella's.
We traveled the world.
I bought you all kinds of fancy things.
You gave me lots of money.
Beer became my lover.
You bought a gun.
The fights were typical.
Cold suppers were normal.
I hated you.
You had famous friends,
I had too many lovers.
I ducked the flying bottles.
You cried hysterically.
I never came home.
You found a new life.
All my friends became yours.
I did a stint in jail.
You erased me from your life.
I came home to a empty house.
And a broken whiskey bottle.
I want you to know 2 things.
Only two.
Maybe three.
I hate you!
I love you!
I'm clean and sober now!
I go to church now!
I have a good life now.
I have good friends now.
I have a life worth living now.
Do you??
I hope you think of me
And know I think of you.
If we could do it all again,
I'd laugh, and curse,
"Yah, Right!"
You aren't worth re-visiting.
I wish you well.
I really do.
I hope you have a good life.
I hope you're happy.
I know I finnally am!
Just forget about me!
If sometime we cross paths,
In the future,
I'll be nice,
I'll smile,
I'll wish you well,
I'll let you have your say,
I'll tell you how well I am,
And then,
I'll give you the finger,
And kick you out of town.
Outta my life
Forever!!
Serously,
I don't really hate you.
Not much, anyways!
I still love you.
Like I love whiskey.
I just don't
Have time for your nightmares anymore.
I wish you well,
I hope you meet your soul mate.
I hope you get all you deserve.
As for me....
I still hate you!
One last thing, darling,
You could've given me one last shot.
One last thrill.
We could've talked it out.
We could've worked it out.
i didn't mean to do you so wrong.
You were my angel.
My princess.
I worshipped you.
When I had time.
But, the beer got in the way.
I'm ok today.
I'm doing good today.
I have a good life today.
I am well loved.
I am sober and clean.
I give my all, to God.
I volunteer all my time.
And
I still think of you,
And,
Darling,
I still love you.
Be well,
My sweet,
My beautiful,
Angel,
Juliet,
Cinderella.
And,
Don't think of me.
Get on with your life.
I have!
I still love you.
-Romeo
Escape
Escape
------
-Tyson
_August 09'
There is a way out.
I believe it!
Yes!
There is a way out!
It's my choice!
I can choose the headaches
The sickness
Or I can smile
And love!
There is a way out!
I tried so hard
So very hard
I got through the sickness
It was the headaches!
They took my joy away
They took my zeal away
I tried so very hard
I just wamt to ne happy!
I just wamt to be me!
I tried so hard
Away from me
Where there is no happiness
Where there is only far away.
You don't even know who I am
I am hiding
I am sleeping
I am checking out of life
The bars are my prison
i am not me
I just want to be me
tell me when I can live again?
When can I smile again?
When can I be "me" again?
When, oh when
Where, oh where,
When does the pain end?
Where do I begin?
------
-Tyson
_August 09'
There is a way out.
I believe it!
Yes!
There is a way out!
It's my choice!
I can choose the headaches
The sickness
Or I can smile
And love!
There is a way out!
I tried so hard
So very hard
I got through the sickness
It was the headaches!
They took my joy away
They took my zeal away
I tried so very hard
I just wamt to ne happy!
I just wamt to be me!
I tried so hard
Away from me
Where there is no happiness
Where there is only far away.
You don't even know who I am
I am hiding
I am sleeping
I am checking out of life
The bars are my prison
i am not me
I just want to be me
tell me when I can live again?
When can I smile again?
When can I be "me" again?
When, oh when
Where, oh where,
When does the pain end?
Where do I begin?
What's up with that?
What's Up With that?
-----------------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
Today is a new day.
I wake up, and I thank God for a new start.
A new chance.
I wash my face, and i put on freah clothes.
Time to get this party started.
What's the game-plan today.
Where am I headed.
How long do I have?
I'm a good guy.
One of the boys.
Just call me Mr. T
Call my name,
And here I am.
I wasn't always this way.
I was one of the bad boys.
i drank to the max
I smoked one after another.
throw me a fattie, and I snatched it up.
Gotta pop some more pills
Darkness was my game.
Vampire was my middle name.
I was all about ice.
Cold-hearted.
If I smiled, I faked it.
If I was happy, it was a lie.
If I loved you, it was a game.
What's up with that?
All my friends sat next to me
Round after round
We messed with each other
Taught each other a lesson
Disrespecting the women
Never soft,
Always hard-core.
Hell,
I even did a stint in jail.
More one night stands than lovers
Gimme a beer,
Light my smoke.
I'm only here for a good time.
I've been all over the U.S.
Las Vegas, L.A., San Diago,
Salt lake City, New Mexico, Texas
Utah, Brianhead, Denver,
Cheyanne, Minneapolis, Omaha
Chicago, Chicago, Las Vegas
I've even been over the sea
Norway, oslo, Bergen
Home, gone, home again.
Yes...I've seen it all.
From here, out west, I've done it.
What's up with that?
Hell, I even got married.
i did a 7 ear stint.
It shoulda calmed me,
Made me a nice guy.
Instead,
The beer tasted sweet.
The whiskey was better.
All we did was yell.
All she did was cry.
I just couldn't handle it.
I needed my 2 best friends.
Bud and Jack.
I was just being real.
Damn it got cold.
Damn it's icy.
I see the vampire everywhere I turn
We don't even sleep together no more.
I am the vampire.
BAM!! CLICK!! LOCK!!!
I had to go to jail.
Lies, lies, lies,
I didn't do it.
I swear it.
She made me.
What's up with that?
I hate my life now.
Everybody hates me.
You all mock me.
I wake up drunk,
And pass out in the bar.
I go to bed with a bottle in hand.
Noone even checks on me.
The vampire is entering in.
You can all go to hell.
I'm already there.
Damn!!
It sure is dark.
Keeps getting darker.
I don't even have a heart anymore.
I'm calling for help
Pleading for help
Noone answers.
What's up with that?
I passed out in Belmond,
Woke up in Las Vegas.
Spent the night under a bridge in the desert.
Walked the streets
Looking for a good time.
Just wanting to get high
just wanting to get drunk.
Everyone's staring at me.
What's wrong with me.
Why won't this headache go away.
Why don't I care anymore.
Passed out in Las Vegas.
Woke up at home.
Tick tock, tick tock,
It's so damn dark.
I can't get outta bed.
Don't wanna go outside.
Life is not mine
I just want my bottle.
Where's my cigarettes?
Oh that's right.
I don't have any.
Dosn't matter.
I'm dead anyways.
Does anybody care?
Is anybody watching?
Maybe I'll kill myself.
Does anybody even care?
What's up with that that?
If I've offended you
I'm not sorry.
It's just the truth.
It's my game.
The way I rode.
The way I played.
It's the vampire's fault.
Never mine.
Take 17 years,
And you'd be the same way.
Don't lie.
You know you would.
I tell no lies.
Just the truth.
Passed out, dead.
DEAD!!
Woke up in a psych ward.
Took my freedom away
Forced me to give a damn again.
Made me live again.
All I wanted to do was die.
God decided otherwise.
My last breath cursed his name
His breath, woke me back up.
I didn't wanna dance anymore
God was writing a new jam for me
I wanted to die,
He wanted me to live.
What's up with that?
Ok.
Let's stop a minute.
Fast foreward.
Look at me today.
Look at who God made me to be.
I am a blessed man.
I give all the credit to him.
All the glory goes to him.
All I have,
Is because of him.
I coulda been dead,
But here I am.
Alive, and well.
I thank God,
And sing his praises.
how do I roll today?
I fly high.
I run with the winners.
I'm knocking down doors,
Telling my story,
Making friends,
Doing God's work
Helping ya'll out.
Caus'
I don't wanna see you get bit.
Get hurt
the way I did.
If I can save ya
God did it.
Yep,
If I can help ya
God did it.
Don't thank me.
Nope...
thank him instead.
I love ya!!
What's up with that?
I'm a busy dude today.
Library, Donating my plasma
Throwing papers, talking to the old people
Going back to college,
Writing, writing, writing,
Extreme Mt. Biking,
Caring about how I look, helping others,
spreading the saving news, meditatin', praying,
Surrenderin' my all to God, Lovin' him, giving him my ALL!
Welcomin' you to church, singin' the good music, listenin' to pastor,
Jammin' hard, livin' hard, playing hard,
I'm one hell of a busy guy
A good guy,
Chasin' my dreams,
Listenin' to God
Lettin' him run my life.
He speaks,
Amd I get it done!
What's up with that?
huh?
I ain't a bad guy.
I'm a good man today.
I just wanna love on ya
I just wanna play with ya
Why can't we be friends?
I just wanna walk with ya, talk with ya,
Show you the way,
And give ya the good news.
About how a real bad guy,
Became a real good man.
Nothin' wrong with that.
God's just
A real good God.
I'll end on this note.
you don't have to agree with me
You don't have to like everything I do, everything I write
you don't have to do all I do.
You don't have to hang with me,
Or be like me.
Just give it up to God,
Surrender your ass to him,
And be blessed,
like me.
Know that someone loves you
Wants to hug you,
Be with you,
God called me,
Blessed me,
And now...
He's calling
YOU!!!!
-----------------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. Troxel
Today is a new day.
I wake up, and I thank God for a new start.
A new chance.
I wash my face, and i put on freah clothes.
Time to get this party started.
What's the game-plan today.
Where am I headed.
How long do I have?
I'm a good guy.
One of the boys.
Just call me Mr. T
Call my name,
And here I am.
I wasn't always this way.
I was one of the bad boys.
i drank to the max
I smoked one after another.
throw me a fattie, and I snatched it up.
Gotta pop some more pills
Darkness was my game.
Vampire was my middle name.
I was all about ice.
Cold-hearted.
If I smiled, I faked it.
If I was happy, it was a lie.
If I loved you, it was a game.
What's up with that?
All my friends sat next to me
Round after round
We messed with each other
Taught each other a lesson
Disrespecting the women
Never soft,
Always hard-core.
Hell,
I even did a stint in jail.
More one night stands than lovers
Gimme a beer,
Light my smoke.
I'm only here for a good time.
I've been all over the U.S.
Las Vegas, L.A., San Diago,
Salt lake City, New Mexico, Texas
Utah, Brianhead, Denver,
Cheyanne, Minneapolis, Omaha
Chicago, Chicago, Las Vegas
I've even been over the sea
Norway, oslo, Bergen
Home, gone, home again.
Yes...I've seen it all.
From here, out west, I've done it.
What's up with that?
Hell, I even got married.
i did a 7 ear stint.
It shoulda calmed me,
Made me a nice guy.
Instead,
The beer tasted sweet.
The whiskey was better.
All we did was yell.
All she did was cry.
I just couldn't handle it.
I needed my 2 best friends.
Bud and Jack.
I was just being real.
Damn it got cold.
Damn it's icy.
I see the vampire everywhere I turn
We don't even sleep together no more.
I am the vampire.
BAM!! CLICK!! LOCK!!!
I had to go to jail.
Lies, lies, lies,
I didn't do it.
I swear it.
She made me.
What's up with that?
I hate my life now.
Everybody hates me.
You all mock me.
I wake up drunk,
And pass out in the bar.
I go to bed with a bottle in hand.
Noone even checks on me.
The vampire is entering in.
You can all go to hell.
I'm already there.
Damn!!
It sure is dark.
Keeps getting darker.
I don't even have a heart anymore.
I'm calling for help
Pleading for help
Noone answers.
What's up with that?
I passed out in Belmond,
Woke up in Las Vegas.
Spent the night under a bridge in the desert.
Walked the streets
Looking for a good time.
Just wanting to get high
just wanting to get drunk.
Everyone's staring at me.
What's wrong with me.
Why won't this headache go away.
Why don't I care anymore.
Passed out in Las Vegas.
Woke up at home.
Tick tock, tick tock,
It's so damn dark.
I can't get outta bed.
Don't wanna go outside.
Life is not mine
I just want my bottle.
Where's my cigarettes?
Oh that's right.
I don't have any.
Dosn't matter.
I'm dead anyways.
Does anybody care?
Is anybody watching?
Maybe I'll kill myself.
Does anybody even care?
What's up with that that?
If I've offended you
I'm not sorry.
It's just the truth.
It's my game.
The way I rode.
The way I played.
It's the vampire's fault.
Never mine.
Take 17 years,
And you'd be the same way.
Don't lie.
You know you would.
I tell no lies.
Just the truth.
Passed out, dead.
DEAD!!
Woke up in a psych ward.
Took my freedom away
Forced me to give a damn again.
Made me live again.
All I wanted to do was die.
God decided otherwise.
My last breath cursed his name
His breath, woke me back up.
I didn't wanna dance anymore
God was writing a new jam for me
I wanted to die,
He wanted me to live.
What's up with that?
Ok.
Let's stop a minute.
Fast foreward.
Look at me today.
Look at who God made me to be.
I am a blessed man.
I give all the credit to him.
All the glory goes to him.
All I have,
Is because of him.
I coulda been dead,
But here I am.
Alive, and well.
I thank God,
And sing his praises.
how do I roll today?
I fly high.
I run with the winners.
I'm knocking down doors,
Telling my story,
Making friends,
Doing God's work
Helping ya'll out.
Caus'
I don't wanna see you get bit.
Get hurt
the way I did.
If I can save ya
God did it.
Yep,
If I can help ya
God did it.
Don't thank me.
Nope...
thank him instead.
I love ya!!
What's up with that?
I'm a busy dude today.
Library, Donating my plasma
Throwing papers, talking to the old people
Going back to college,
Writing, writing, writing,
Extreme Mt. Biking,
Caring about how I look, helping others,
spreading the saving news, meditatin', praying,
Surrenderin' my all to God, Lovin' him, giving him my ALL!
Welcomin' you to church, singin' the good music, listenin' to pastor,
Jammin' hard, livin' hard, playing hard,
I'm one hell of a busy guy
A good guy,
Chasin' my dreams,
Listenin' to God
Lettin' him run my life.
He speaks,
Amd I get it done!
What's up with that?
huh?
I ain't a bad guy.
I'm a good man today.
I just wanna love on ya
I just wanna play with ya
Why can't we be friends?
I just wanna walk with ya, talk with ya,
Show you the way,
And give ya the good news.
About how a real bad guy,
Became a real good man.
Nothin' wrong with that.
God's just
A real good God.
I'll end on this note.
you don't have to agree with me
You don't have to like everything I do, everything I write
you don't have to do all I do.
You don't have to hang with me,
Or be like me.
Just give it up to God,
Surrender your ass to him,
And be blessed,
like me.
Know that someone loves you
Wants to hug you,
Be with you,
God called me,
Blessed me,
And now...
He's calling
YOU!!!!
Slave to the pain
Slave to the Pain
------------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. troxel
Here I sit
Slave to the pain.
I can't surrener.
Not yet
the headache is too awful
The jitters too much
Agitated, cranky, to the max
Was I like this before?
I quit drinking.
That damn near killed me.
Threw me into the hospital twice.
Now,
I'm all better.
Looking at almost 9 months sober.
I was scary then.
I'm better today.
I live a good life.
A full life
Surrounded by friends.
Real friends.
Now, I'm quiting smoking.
It hurts so bad.
I just want to sleep
To sleep,
Means no craving.
I'm eating twizzlers,
Trying to make it go away.
Ashtrays are in the garbage
The last remaining butts stare at me
Begging me to smoke em'
Smoke up Johnny!
Go buy another pack
I'm a slave to it.
How many twizzlers will it take?
How many lollipops.
How many headaches?
How many twitches?
What'll I do when the triggers come?
Am I that bad?
Will my friends get me through?
Should I just surrender?
Is it really that easy?
Will God make it go away?
Will he make it all better?
I'm just a slave!
Mr.D says keep my hands busy
Play video games
Have another twizzler.
My friends clap and applaud my decision.
1/2 of them go light up.
I stand beside them,
munching on my damn red twizzler.
Am I really this bad?
Am I just making it this bad?
Just surrender.
I wanna tell you all to bug off.
i wanna sleep until it goes away.
Check outta life,
Until I feel better.
I'm a slave.
What if I get sick of red twizzlers and lollipops.
What then?
What can I substitute next?
how bout' some carrot sticks.
Then what?
Maybe I should just chop my hands off
Sleep my life away.
Grip onto that BIBLE
Use it as a life preserver.
Come on
I gotta rise up
I gotta be bigger than this.
I gotta rise up.
That's what "The Boss" says.
I think he's a slave
I know I can get through this.
If i just sleep, sleep sleep,
Play video games,
Eat, eat, eat
Figure out my twizzler triggers
Just don't smoke.
Keep my hands busy
Stay active
Drink a ton of coffee
A whole buncha lollipops
I don't wanna be a butt slave
A filthy smoker
I just wanna be ok.
Will you help me?
Will you make it all ok?
Will you make the pain go away?
No, I didn't think so.
This is my battle
My addiction
My demon!
I have to do it my way
My pace, my stake, my space
Alright, alright, alright!!
I'm mad now. Insane now!
I hear the drums beating.
------------------
-August 2009
-Tyson B. troxel
Here I sit
Slave to the pain.
I can't surrener.
Not yet
the headache is too awful
The jitters too much
Agitated, cranky, to the max
Was I like this before?
I quit drinking.
That damn near killed me.
Threw me into the hospital twice.
Now,
I'm all better.
Looking at almost 9 months sober.
I was scary then.
I'm better today.
I live a good life.
A full life
Surrounded by friends.
Real friends.
Now, I'm quiting smoking.
It hurts so bad.
I just want to sleep
To sleep,
Means no craving.
I'm eating twizzlers,
Trying to make it go away.
Ashtrays are in the garbage
The last remaining butts stare at me
Begging me to smoke em'
Smoke up Johnny!
Go buy another pack
I'm a slave to it.
How many twizzlers will it take?
How many lollipops.
How many headaches?
How many twitches?
What'll I do when the triggers come?
Am I that bad?
Will my friends get me through?
Should I just surrender?
Is it really that easy?
Will God make it go away?
Will he make it all better?
I'm just a slave!
Mr.D says keep my hands busy
Play video games
Have another twizzler.
My friends clap and applaud my decision.
1/2 of them go light up.
I stand beside them,
munching on my damn red twizzler.
Am I really this bad?
Am I just making it this bad?
Just surrender.
I wanna tell you all to bug off.
i wanna sleep until it goes away.
Check outta life,
Until I feel better.
I'm a slave.
What if I get sick of red twizzlers and lollipops.
What then?
What can I substitute next?
how bout' some carrot sticks.
Then what?
Maybe I should just chop my hands off
Sleep my life away.
Grip onto that BIBLE
Use it as a life preserver.
Come on
I gotta rise up
I gotta be bigger than this.
I gotta rise up.
That's what "The Boss" says.
I think he's a slave
I know I can get through this.
If i just sleep, sleep sleep,
Play video games,
Eat, eat, eat
Figure out my twizzler triggers
Just don't smoke.
Keep my hands busy
Stay active
Drink a ton of coffee
A whole buncha lollipops
I don't wanna be a butt slave
A filthy smoker
I just wanna be ok.
Will you help me?
Will you make it all ok?
Will you make the pain go away?
No, I didn't think so.
This is my battle
My addiction
My demon!
I have to do it my way
My pace, my stake, my space
Alright, alright, alright!!
I'm mad now. Insane now!
I hear the drums beating.
Suffocating
Suffocating
-----------
-Tyson B. Troxel
-August 2009
I am sitting here in the dark
Suffocating.
I can barely breathe now.
Each breath hurts worse than the last.
I'm paralized.
The vampire bit me.
His venom is sinking in.
I am loosing my grip.
Life is fading from me.
I can't see the light any longer.
The air is stale, all around me.
His kiss tasted so sweeet.
Now it's sting is paralyzing.
It's dark all around me.
Breathing is painfull.
I just want to die.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no voice calling me.
No sweet release.
Just his weight on me.
Whispering "he loves me".
I see nothing now.
The darkness has blinded everything.
I'll never wake up.
It is overdoseing me.
-----------
-Tyson B. Troxel
-August 2009
I am sitting here in the dark
Suffocating.
I can barely breathe now.
Each breath hurts worse than the last.
I'm paralized.
The vampire bit me.
His venom is sinking in.
I am loosing my grip.
Life is fading from me.
I can't see the light any longer.
The air is stale, all around me.
His kiss tasted so sweeet.
Now it's sting is paralyzing.
It's dark all around me.
Breathing is painfull.
I just want to die.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no voice calling me.
No sweet release.
Just his weight on me.
Whispering "he loves me".
I see nothing now.
The darkness has blinded everything.
I'll never wake up.
It is overdoseing me.
December
December
--------
-Tyson B. Troxel
-August 2009
I hear a baby crying
Somewhere in the distance
Far off in the woods.
Taking his 1st breaths.
He knows no temptation.
No troubles.
He dosn't know how deep the river is.
Where is his mama?
Does she not hear his cries?
Where is papa?
He is all alone.
And I cannot reach out to him.
I see a yong babe.
Naked and alone.
Surroubded by the wooded trees.
Laughing, as he plays alone.
Eating berries, oh so ripe.
Splashing in the water
Knowing nothing of time
I cannot cross over
Where is his true love?
Does he not hear the music?
Or see the fairies,
Singing him to sleep.
Little boy, running all alone.
I am calling out your name
Trying to warn you
Wanting to hold your hand
Needing to guide you home
Hear him laughing
Fairies dancing around him
Trees swaying his troubles away
He goes on rambling
Never hearing my call
Knowing no fear
The calm is his love.
--------
-Tyson B. Troxel
-August 2009
I hear a baby crying
Somewhere in the distance
Far off in the woods.
Taking his 1st breaths.
He knows no temptation.
No troubles.
He dosn't know how deep the river is.
Where is his mama?
Does she not hear his cries?
Where is papa?
He is all alone.
And I cannot reach out to him.
I see a yong babe.
Naked and alone.
Surroubded by the wooded trees.
Laughing, as he plays alone.
Eating berries, oh so ripe.
Splashing in the water
Knowing nothing of time
I cannot cross over
Where is his true love?
Does he not hear the music?
Or see the fairies,
Singing him to sleep.
Little boy, running all alone.
I am calling out your name
Trying to warn you
Wanting to hold your hand
Needing to guide you home
Hear him laughing
Fairies dancing around him
Trees swaying his troubles away
He goes on rambling
Never hearing my call
Knowing no fear
The calm is his love.
Looking At Her
Looking At Her
--------------
-Tyson B. Troxel
-August 2009
I am not who i appear to be.
I am not who you think i am
I hide my REAL self very well.
You see ME
I see who you want to see
When we meet
When we say hi
When we talk
I want you.
I can't have you, though.
I see you
All of your beauty
All of your smile, your golden hair
Perfect body
Not a flaw, in my eyes
When I see you,
I want more of you
Just the two of us.
I can't have you.
What's your story?
Who are you?
--------------
-Tyson B. Troxel
-August 2009
I am not who i appear to be.
I am not who you think i am
I hide my REAL self very well.
You see ME
I see who you want to see
When we meet
When we say hi
When we talk
I want you.
I can't have you, though.
I see you
All of your beauty
All of your smile, your golden hair
Perfect body
Not a flaw, in my eyes
When I see you,
I want more of you
Just the two of us.
I can't have you.
What's your story?
Who are you?
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